feeling helpless sucks...

Its been about 4 days since my last entry, I will try to keep up with this blog the best I can.  If any of you are wondering about Neil's blog, he just hasn't felt up to it.  He will continue when he gets a little stronger. 

Chemo is really starting to show it's ugly face around my house.  Thursday Neil didn't keep his eyes open much all day, lots of sleeping and I suppose that is what he needs and it means the treatment is working from what I gather.  Friday was a little better as far as getting to see him up and moving around.  His eating and drinking habits are changing rapidly and I fear along with him that a feeding tube insertion is in our near future if he can't increase his calorie intake.  Saturday, he wanted to go shopping with us and he did, just for a couple of hours, but hey that's something.

For today, I am up at 2a.m. in the morning blogging, so you know something is not right, because I love sleep and it takes alot to get me roused from the bed.  Neil had a little dinner, but only an ensure drink and popsicles throughout the day and I am having to basically force water down his throat...man is he stubborn!
I appreciate everyone wanting to cook dinners for us and things of that nature, but Neil probably will not feel like eating and not able to eat regularly for quite a while.  That just leaves Grace and I, and I think I will be able to manage for 2 and 3 on wknds when Brent(my son) visits.  Now, that being said, I will take whatever someone finds in their heart to make and  share with us, I just had a very nice friend/co-worker make some deliciouse pumpkin bread for our family and like I said it was delicious. 

Today is not starting off well, like I said before it's 2a.m. on Sunday morning and I am wide awake!  Neil has been having lots of "issues" with some not so fun to talk about chemo side effects.  I think the hinges on the bathroom door are gonna have to be replaced soon,lol, gotta love potty humor.  Anywho, Neil just drove himself to the hospital, something is just not right he says.  I started to kick the covers off and mumbled half asleep, "ok, lets go", it took about 2 seconds to remember I have a 5 year old sleeping in the next room.  Well hells bells, I can't go anywhere, have no family to call, friends are all cozy and their kids are sleeping too.  Neil has to go it alone, and that makes my heart ache.  I have been having all kinds of feelings to date, I am scared, nervous, sad, angry, and lots of other feelings manifest on a daily basis it seems.The worst feeling is feeling helpless, I can't even imagine what he is feeling, not only emotionally, but physically.  Did I mention, he is stubborn?  It drives me nutters how stubborn he is, but now I am thinking this may not be a bad thing after all, I mean he is going to have to push himself more than ever over the next several months, and just when he can't anymore, I will be here to push him.  Right now, we are getting into a stride that seems to need tweaking about every hour of the day and its so hard not to do every little thing for him or at least ask if I can help.  Feeling helpless sucks, he is making this easy on me right now, it is early in the game though and I am prepared for him to depend on me, ready to not be so helpless I suppose.


Whilst blogging, that dear hubby of mine is texting to let me know how things are going at the  hospital and of course telling me to get some rest...yeah right!  I try to make myself feel better by reminding him to not let them dick him around, ask for a blanket if he gets cold, and wear his mask because of the germs there.  My being selfish does come in handy sometimes, lol, he will get such a kick out of that statement!

I will update this blog with a comment later today, for now I will try to get some rest in hopes of not being a total terror the rest of the day!