Well here we are, 3 weeks into radiation and immunotherapy. It is absolutely scary to see your love crumbling to this awful disease. Don't get me wrong, Neil is like super man to me, even now he is stronger than I could ever dare to be, but in different ways I think. To deal with this disease just on an emotional level takes an iron will in my opinion. I can see, hear, and feel the changes happening and it's not even me taking it "all" on.
First week of therapy which includes radiation of the head and neck and also immunotherapy was definately an eye opener of more to come. He breaks out in a severe rash across his face and is already struggling with nausea. Week 2 is more radiation, but a break from the chemo to start antibiotics to get the rash under control. The rash is like very severe sunburn mixed with acne...definately not pretty. Week 3 is radiation and back to the chemo, and hopefully after the antibiotics the rash will not be as severe(so far so good).
Neil is really starting to struggle with his appetite and even worse pain that is coming on strong at this point. He still holds strong to his will and is fighting this thing with all he has got. I suppose everyone has their breaking point though, it is getting way to difficult to put all the calories and protein he needs to help him fight in by mouth, so next week he will ask about the dreaded feeding tube.
It's funny these days with what Neil is dealing with for me to even complain about the simplest little things, like headaches and such...but yes I still do and he knows I am a whiner, so he is ok with it. I am thankful that my mom is here healing from her own illness, it gives me peace of mind while working to know that they are not totally alone.
I feel the need to be at work more than ever these days. I know you think it would be the opposite, but I am going to get as much of it in as I can, there may be lots of days coming that he will not be able to go at it alone. I love work, love the kiddos, and love my staff. Grace would not know what to do with herself if she could not go to the Y with mommy. I feel like it is the best thing at this point to keep the house quiet for healing purposes, my longing to be near the ones I love will just have to wait. I make up the hugs double time when I get home! School could start a little sooner, that would be great, but for now we have work and yes people I have a great job, a job my child gets to enjoy as much as I do everyday. I feel so very lucky, blessed, and all that good stuff.
I can't help but feel like we are winning this battle together and as much as I hate this disease that is trying to take my love, I love having another experience that only draws us closer. We are the best of friends, and he is a bright spot in my life every single day.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Radiation Eve
Well the time has come, time for radiation to begin. Tomorrow marks the day when we begin the toughest journey of our marriage. We have been through so much together, but this will be the biggest test of all. We are ready, ready as we can be anyways. I have stopped reading up on positives and negatives for the most part. I am trusting that my husband will be strong and withstand this demon with all his might, while I give the support that is needed. His will astounds me everyday and I am just amazed by his strength. I can tell that he is enjoying his "easy" time before this wretched treatment begins. He still insist on putting Grace to bed every night, they play on the ipad or listen to classical music. I sometimes hear them just talking with each other. I would never interrupt this time they have just to themselves because that would be just selfish of me and on the other hand, it is a nice little break for mommy time.
The support we have from close friends is amazing. Sometimes I feel like he is being robbed of support from his Canadian family being so far away, but he feels and knows how much they love him and stand beside him in this fight. My family here in the states, well lets just say we are not very close and sometimes one chooses not be. Sometimes, no matter what, some things cannot be forgotten nor forgiven. People say you should always forgive, but I don't believe that crap for a minute. Either you are a good human, or you just suck and the planet would be better off without you. I am not bitter by no means, life is what it is. My mother, husband and children are my life and that is fine with me.
Neil has been feeling really well lately, he had surgery a few weeks ago and is in physical therapy right now. The surgeon said it was a success and what ever microscopic cancer cells may be left will be taken care of with the radiation. He has been working as much as possible, that is not a surprise. Neil takes alot of pride in his work and feels a great obligation in doing so. Not many companies would be so appreciative of an employee, most I would say would have kicked him to the curb a long while ago. Mashburn Equipment have been just great to us, so understanding and caring, it makes our family feel gracious to say the least, they are one of the reasons this has not been a total devastation to our lives.
On another note, besides gearing up for this radiation, my mom has been battling problems of her own. She has been struggling with weight loss, heart palpitations and things of that nature for the past several months. A few days ago I was called by her dr's office to take her straight to the hospital where she would be directly admitted for heart tests. After doing tests and exams, they have concluded that she will need a triple bypass...yes open heart surgery. My mom will be undergoing this surgery on the same day as #1 radiation treatment for Neil. I feel like a strong woman, but how does on deal with this, being a mom, being a boss, trying to go back to school and be the best caregiver to 2 great people in her life. Well people, I guess we shall see, cause dammit I am gonna do it. Two very important people in my life need me and I will be there for both. I am going to be more unselfish than I have ever been in my life and give of myself more than ever before!
I will update on my fight, my husbands, and mothers another day, till them people....keep on keeping on!
The support we have from close friends is amazing. Sometimes I feel like he is being robbed of support from his Canadian family being so far away, but he feels and knows how much they love him and stand beside him in this fight. My family here in the states, well lets just say we are not very close and sometimes one chooses not be. Sometimes, no matter what, some things cannot be forgotten nor forgiven. People say you should always forgive, but I don't believe that crap for a minute. Either you are a good human, or you just suck and the planet would be better off without you. I am not bitter by no means, life is what it is. My mother, husband and children are my life and that is fine with me.
Neil has been feeling really well lately, he had surgery a few weeks ago and is in physical therapy right now. The surgeon said it was a success and what ever microscopic cancer cells may be left will be taken care of with the radiation. He has been working as much as possible, that is not a surprise. Neil takes alot of pride in his work and feels a great obligation in doing so. Not many companies would be so appreciative of an employee, most I would say would have kicked him to the curb a long while ago. Mashburn Equipment have been just great to us, so understanding and caring, it makes our family feel gracious to say the least, they are one of the reasons this has not been a total devastation to our lives.
On another note, besides gearing up for this radiation, my mom has been battling problems of her own. She has been struggling with weight loss, heart palpitations and things of that nature for the past several months. A few days ago I was called by her dr's office to take her straight to the hospital where she would be directly admitted for heart tests. After doing tests and exams, they have concluded that she will need a triple bypass...yes open heart surgery. My mom will be undergoing this surgery on the same day as #1 radiation treatment for Neil. I feel like a strong woman, but how does on deal with this, being a mom, being a boss, trying to go back to school and be the best caregiver to 2 great people in her life. Well people, I guess we shall see, cause dammit I am gonna do it. Two very important people in my life need me and I will be there for both. I am going to be more unselfish than I have ever been in my life and give of myself more than ever before!
I will update on my fight, my husbands, and mothers another day, till them people....keep on keeping on!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
opening our eyes and our bellies...
Hello again! Well let us just start off with news about Neil and the beast that lies within. He underwent 2 rounds of chemo and actually did well, but his lymphnode still grows as of today unfortunately. Before getting his 3rd and final round before radiation, the Dr. called for a ct scan to check things out, and proceeded to let us know that it had grown and then proceeded to cancel the 3rd round of chemo and opt for a biopsy to check progress. Off to the hospital we went for another biopsy, hoping for the best but fearing the worst naturally. I could have very well ended up in the emergency room while he was getting his biopsy, let me tell ya that I am just as clumsy as ever and concrete steps hurt really bad when you fall going up them. After him getting stuck and me almost killing myself we were done and waiting...again. The results were in 2 days later, and the Dr. delivered our worst fear...the cancer was not affected at all by chemo. After discussing options for further treatment, Neil suggested surgery to get that thing outta him, so his other Dr. agrees that is the best option right now. Neil and I are excited, we have both wanted surgery from the beginning, but it has been a fight since Neil has an unknown primary at this point. The surgery is set for June 1st and radiation is postponed for now. As Neil told his ENT, this is the best news we have got so far during all this mess and the Dr. is confident they can get it all out, he still has to endure radiation at some point, but we are staying super positive and hopeful.
Now, what are some things we do to make this process easier, well we are educating ourselves, relying on each other as well as family come to mind along with spending as much family time together as you possibly can...oh and I mentioned the all important keeping a positive attitude which is hard but doable!
We have been educating ourselves about ways to keep this sucker from growing and the one thing that keeps coming up in literature is diet. You could call it turning over a new leaf, it is a wonderful thing when that little voice says to you....what you put in your body is important, and unfortunately like alot of others we never thought about what all the fast food and processed food was doing to us and our children. I am not one of those people that judge others and try to tell them about everything they are doing wrong, I will just say this...if you have any doubts, read and read some more, use the internet and even try reading cancer diet books...it will honestly scare the hell out of you and some sense into you about what you put in your body.
I am willing to do anything in the world to keep the love of my life and father of my child with us for as long as I possibly can, so let the doctors do they're thing and we will do ours...cause its worth it! Some things that we are doing...cut out fast food, processed food and try not to buy anything with ingredients we can't pronounce and we even go to a farm for fresh eggs now and they are fantastic. Trust me people, it takes you like a whirlwind when you try to change a diet that you have had since birth basically and it is a big undertaking. Some friends of ours are really helping us out because this is how they live and I have been told by all of them to take baby steps to keep from feeling overwhelmed. I think that the transition for all of us has been tough, but its so worth it. We shop organic, and yes it is a little more expensive, we feel blessed to be able to do it, but it is also that great time of year when people are setting up their produce stands and that is a really good thing for what we are trying to do. Grace is having so much fun going to the farm to get eggs and going shopping for new stuff for our bellys is a real treat for her as well. We all are trying so many new things and it makes me happy! Remember, baby steps...if we fall and treat ourselves to crap food, which is very rare right now, we get up the next day right back into the swing of things. Our energy levels are good, attitudes are good and our bodies feel good...it just feels right!
For now....we fight with everything we got!!! We are gonna win this fight together!
Now, what are some things we do to make this process easier, well we are educating ourselves, relying on each other as well as family come to mind along with spending as much family time together as you possibly can...oh and I mentioned the all important keeping a positive attitude which is hard but doable!
We have been educating ourselves about ways to keep this sucker from growing and the one thing that keeps coming up in literature is diet. You could call it turning over a new leaf, it is a wonderful thing when that little voice says to you....what you put in your body is important, and unfortunately like alot of others we never thought about what all the fast food and processed food was doing to us and our children. I am not one of those people that judge others and try to tell them about everything they are doing wrong, I will just say this...if you have any doubts, read and read some more, use the internet and even try reading cancer diet books...it will honestly scare the hell out of you and some sense into you about what you put in your body.
I am willing to do anything in the world to keep the love of my life and father of my child with us for as long as I possibly can, so let the doctors do they're thing and we will do ours...cause its worth it! Some things that we are doing...cut out fast food, processed food and try not to buy anything with ingredients we can't pronounce and we even go to a farm for fresh eggs now and they are fantastic. Trust me people, it takes you like a whirlwind when you try to change a diet that you have had since birth basically and it is a big undertaking. Some friends of ours are really helping us out because this is how they live and I have been told by all of them to take baby steps to keep from feeling overwhelmed. I think that the transition for all of us has been tough, but its so worth it. We shop organic, and yes it is a little more expensive, we feel blessed to be able to do it, but it is also that great time of year when people are setting up their produce stands and that is a really good thing for what we are trying to do. Grace is having so much fun going to the farm to get eggs and going shopping for new stuff for our bellys is a real treat for her as well. We all are trying so many new things and it makes me happy! Remember, baby steps...if we fall and treat ourselves to crap food, which is very rare right now, we get up the next day right back into the swing of things. Our energy levels are good, attitudes are good and our bodies feel good...it just feels right!
For now....we fight with everything we got!!! We are gonna win this fight together!
Monday, May 9, 2011
chemo, tornadoes, lack of internet and cable...oh my
Wow, that was a long break from blogging! We are now in the 3rd week of Neil's second round of chemo and the tumour is not shrinking this time. From what the Dr. is telling us, they will probably switch his chemo meds. We go to see the radiologist tomorrow, that should be interesting indeed. Neil informed me today, that he is going to ask the radiologist about getting a second opinion. His last appointment with his oncologist didn't leave me with a good easy feeling, on the contrary it left me a little worried. From diagnosis to the treatment plan from the doctors you have the spells of waiting and they suck alot, but that last appointment ended with the doctor telling us to go ahead with treatment that day and wait and see. Well, prematurely I am saying I will not wait and see again. Hopefully the radiologist will have some idea of what to do tomorrow...fingers crossed. Neil has responded to this treatment even better than the time before, seems like a lot less nausea and fatigue. It could just be that he is totally focused on not letting these things happen. His appetite has been better and he is intaking water pretty well. In the beginning I was totally focused on the big C, but now not so much. We are living like nothing is even happening, it does seem strange, but while he is feeling up to it...why not?!
Subject change for a moment please. I don't know how much you watch the weather, but it has been absolutely crazy the past couple of weeks in the South. Let me just say "Ringgold, Georgia" is where we reside and I have lived in Tennessee all my life besides Canada for a couple of years and now Georgia. I have never ever ever seen anything like the storms we had 2 weeks ago. We feel so very fortunate and lucky to be alive and still have our home. Poor little Ringgold is just torn to bits, people died and families are homeless. This is not a big city by no means and the whole commercial district is pretty much gone. We had our bottled water, flashlights and cats all down in the basement just waiting for tragedy, and luckily for us it dropped from the sky about 5 miles away. Grace was just so torn up over the fact she didn't get to see a tornado, it's funny how the mind of a 5 yr. old works...or doesn't,lol. Some friends of ours were not so lucky, they lost their home, but survived with their family. We stayed up very late just to find out if they were safe, and they were...Yay! Our thoughts are with all the victims of these violent storms.
>Side note< It seems petty with everything that happened in this little town to be just so very happy to get cable and internet again, I mean we watched all the movies we had, so to be petty...I am so freaking happy Grace went back to school today, finally, and I am happy to be on the net again and watch some cable....there I said it!
Back on subject! I am thankful that Neil is doing well with this second round, but concerned the medicine just isn't doing what needs to be done but alas I am no Dr., just a very concerned wife and that counts too! He just amazes me..he is my "Amazing Chemo Man". Gracie told him yesterday its just garbage bunched up in there and then proceeded to tell him how the doctors need to get it out...yeah, it was not pretty.
For now, we live normal and I will happily blog about any abnormalities that may occur!
Subject change for a moment please. I don't know how much you watch the weather, but it has been absolutely crazy the past couple of weeks in the South. Let me just say "Ringgold, Georgia" is where we reside and I have lived in Tennessee all my life besides Canada for a couple of years and now Georgia. I have never ever ever seen anything like the storms we had 2 weeks ago. We feel so very fortunate and lucky to be alive and still have our home. Poor little Ringgold is just torn to bits, people died and families are homeless. This is not a big city by no means and the whole commercial district is pretty much gone. We had our bottled water, flashlights and cats all down in the basement just waiting for tragedy, and luckily for us it dropped from the sky about 5 miles away. Grace was just so torn up over the fact she didn't get to see a tornado, it's funny how the mind of a 5 yr. old works...or doesn't,lol. Some friends of ours were not so lucky, they lost their home, but survived with their family. We stayed up very late just to find out if they were safe, and they were...Yay! Our thoughts are with all the victims of these violent storms.
>Side note< It seems petty with everything that happened in this little town to be just so very happy to get cable and internet again, I mean we watched all the movies we had, so to be petty...I am so freaking happy Grace went back to school today, finally, and I am happy to be on the net again and watch some cable....there I said it!
Back on subject! I am thankful that Neil is doing well with this second round, but concerned the medicine just isn't doing what needs to be done but alas I am no Dr., just a very concerned wife and that counts too! He just amazes me..he is my "Amazing Chemo Man". Gracie told him yesterday its just garbage bunched up in there and then proceeded to tell him how the doctors need to get it out...yeah, it was not pretty.
For now, we live normal and I will happily blog about any abnormalities that may occur!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Ding!
It has been a great week so far! Neil has been feeling really well this past week, working, playing with Grace, not going from the bed to the couch and back to the bed again. Gracie is sucking it up to the max, all I hear is Daddy, Daddy, Daddy and I love it. Oh, and food....it tastes good to him and so does water! Yay!
I knew this older gentleman years ago, and every single time you asked him how he was his response was always, "just shuffling right along" and I feel like that is what I am doing at this point. I am finding that I am not constantly thinking about the "C". My work really has alot to do with my therapy, I see kids doing really sweet, funny, and sometimes weird things on a daily basis, then I get to watch my staff's reactions and that is even better. I am just gonna say it...I have 21 wonderful, caring, respectful young ladies and gentlman helping me through this by working as a team and making it so less stressful than it could be. I am very proud of my staff, many thanks and remember if your leaning your cleaning! Ha! Then there is Carrie, my boss lady, man she hates when I call her that,lol! She is being what she always has been which is simply there for me, supporting me and cheering me on.
Change of subject...we fear Tony the tumor is gaining in size again, he was shrinking after the first treatment, now getting larger again. We are just going to wait to see what the dr. says about that. I have been reading up on this, it could be nothing, so why waste so much effort worrying. We are enjoying this good week! We had our first chat with the coping coach at the cancer center yesterday. Like I told her, besides taking Grace to the doctor for strep throat, I was feeling kind of normal again. I havn't been to a doctor's office since Neil's chemo. Ding! That is the sound of the elevator at the cacer center, and I hate it! As soon as I heard that Ding! my heart sank and I just sighed. I am positive people, no worries, but it's the little things like that Ding! that just aggravate me. On a good note, we are coping well! It is early into treatment, but we will take that, I mean the social worker told us so. I found out that I treat Neil like a child when it comes to his nourishment or lack of it. It's true I do, imagine that, I am a mother, a caregiver, and nurturer. I will make mental notes to myself about not being his mother when he becomes dehydrated, right!
Second round of chemo coming up on Monday, I will update how we all are doing next week sometime. Ding!
I knew this older gentleman years ago, and every single time you asked him how he was his response was always, "just shuffling right along" and I feel like that is what I am doing at this point. I am finding that I am not constantly thinking about the "C". My work really has alot to do with my therapy, I see kids doing really sweet, funny, and sometimes weird things on a daily basis, then I get to watch my staff's reactions and that is even better. I am just gonna say it...I have 21 wonderful, caring, respectful young ladies and gentlman helping me through this by working as a team and making it so less stressful than it could be. I am very proud of my staff, many thanks and remember if your leaning your cleaning! Ha! Then there is Carrie, my boss lady, man she hates when I call her that,lol! She is being what she always has been which is simply there for me, supporting me and cheering me on.
Change of subject...we fear Tony the tumor is gaining in size again, he was shrinking after the first treatment, now getting larger again. We are just going to wait to see what the dr. says about that. I have been reading up on this, it could be nothing, so why waste so much effort worrying. We are enjoying this good week! We had our first chat with the coping coach at the cancer center yesterday. Like I told her, besides taking Grace to the doctor for strep throat, I was feeling kind of normal again. I havn't been to a doctor's office since Neil's chemo. Ding! That is the sound of the elevator at the cacer center, and I hate it! As soon as I heard that Ding! my heart sank and I just sighed. I am positive people, no worries, but it's the little things like that Ding! that just aggravate me. On a good note, we are coping well! It is early into treatment, but we will take that, I mean the social worker told us so. I found out that I treat Neil like a child when it comes to his nourishment or lack of it. It's true I do, imagine that, I am a mother, a caregiver, and nurturer. I will make mental notes to myself about not being his mother when he becomes dehydrated, right!
Second round of chemo coming up on Monday, I will update how we all are doing next week sometime. Ding!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Getting a grip...
Hello all! Why is Grace getting more sick now than she has all Winter long? The last two times I wanted to take a day off, she has gotten sick the night before...no fair! Wow, now let me step back and think about this. Do you ever find yourself thinking you get aggravated over the most futile things, it really doesn't make sense when there are much bigger things in life to deal with. I can tell you that since Neil's diagnosis I have shrugged my shoulders more times than I can count. It's not a point of not caring about a certain thing or specific someone, its realizing I can say "oh well" and it really makes no difference. They say "don't sweat the small stuff", and its so true. I hate to even sound so cliche, but really some of the aggravations that we allow ourselves to obsess over are senseless. I really don't think its about being positive or negative, for me it comes down to knowing that things could always be worse. Think about it, I got aggravated because Grace had a virus and screwed up my day off. How many of us know a mom that has a child battling a disease or a mom that has a handicapped child? I am getting a grip and realizing my life is better, better than alot of others and even those people think they have it good compared to some other people. End rant...
Now lets get down to the good stuff. Neil sleeps alot, eats very little, drinks very little, and his activitiy level is limited, but he is doing WELL. I am so proud of him for remaining strong willed and stubborn, he is gonna fight this thing and drive me crazy in the process, but guess what, things could be worse! He thinks he is so sneaky, he waits till I leave for work and kicks into overdrive cleaning the house and running errands. I called the other day from work telling him I was thinking about staying and he told me "well your just gonna get mad at me if you come home", he was correct. I can tell he cleans the house, I know he scooped the litter cause I am pretty sure that 3 cats poop more than once in 3 days, ha! I will tell you that I know when he has done more than he probably should have when he falls asleep and does not wake up at my slightest movement. He told me today that he has worked for over 20 years non-stop with very few vacations(man do I know this) and he is bored outta his mind. I don't mind his ocd right now, everywhere I look things are getting organized, its nice!
I want to apologize to a few people that are offering us so much at this time...
Mr. Jason M., you are a wonderful ,generous person and I will call you in the middle of the night next time Neil needs to go to the hospital even if he wants to drive himself!
Mrs. Susan and Mrs. Vicki, I apologize for not calling you ladies to come and watch Grace in the middle of the night when Neil needed to go to the hospital, please know that we know how sincere your words are and that they come from your hearts. I will not ever worry about being bothersome during this ordeal again.
Now lets get down to the good stuff. Neil sleeps alot, eats very little, drinks very little, and his activitiy level is limited, but he is doing WELL. I am so proud of him for remaining strong willed and stubborn, he is gonna fight this thing and drive me crazy in the process, but guess what, things could be worse! He thinks he is so sneaky, he waits till I leave for work and kicks into overdrive cleaning the house and running errands. I called the other day from work telling him I was thinking about staying and he told me "well your just gonna get mad at me if you come home", he was correct. I can tell he cleans the house, I know he scooped the litter cause I am pretty sure that 3 cats poop more than once in 3 days, ha! I will tell you that I know when he has done more than he probably should have when he falls asleep and does not wake up at my slightest movement. He told me today that he has worked for over 20 years non-stop with very few vacations(man do I know this) and he is bored outta his mind. I don't mind his ocd right now, everywhere I look things are getting organized, its nice!
I want to apologize to a few people that are offering us so much at this time...
Mr. Jason M., you are a wonderful ,generous person and I will call you in the middle of the night next time Neil needs to go to the hospital even if he wants to drive himself!
Mrs. Susan and Mrs. Vicki, I apologize for not calling you ladies to come and watch Grace in the middle of the night when Neil needed to go to the hospital, please know that we know how sincere your words are and that they come from your hearts. I will not ever worry about being bothersome during this ordeal again.
Final Note
Thank you cancer for opening up our eyes, minds, spirits, and our hearts in ways that we never knew and some that we may have just forgotten.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
feeling helpless sucks...
Its been about 4 days since my last entry, I will try to keep up with this blog the best I can. If any of you are wondering about Neil's blog, he just hasn't felt up to it. He will continue when he gets a little stronger.
Chemo is really starting to show it's ugly face around my house. Thursday Neil didn't keep his eyes open much all day, lots of sleeping and I suppose that is what he needs and it means the treatment is working from what I gather. Friday was a little better as far as getting to see him up and moving around. His eating and drinking habits are changing rapidly and I fear along with him that a feeding tube insertion is in our near future if he can't increase his calorie intake. Saturday, he wanted to go shopping with us and he did, just for a couple of hours, but hey that's something.
For today, I am up at 2a.m. in the morning blogging, so you know something is not right, because I love sleep and it takes alot to get me roused from the bed. Neil had a little dinner, but only an ensure drink and popsicles throughout the day and I am having to basically force water down his throat...man is he stubborn!
I appreciate everyone wanting to cook dinners for us and things of that nature, but Neil probably will not feel like eating and not able to eat regularly for quite a while. That just leaves Grace and I, and I think I will be able to manage for 2 and 3 on wknds when Brent(my son) visits. Now, that being said, I will take whatever someone finds in their heart to make and share with us, I just had a very nice friend/co-worker make some deliciouse pumpkin bread for our family and like I said it was delicious.
Today is not starting off well, like I said before it's 2a.m. on Sunday morning and I am wide awake! Neil has been having lots of "issues" with some not so fun to talk about chemo side effects. I think the hinges on the bathroom door are gonna have to be replaced soon,lol, gotta love potty humor. Anywho, Neil just drove himself to the hospital, something is just not right he says. I started to kick the covers off and mumbled half asleep, "ok, lets go", it took about 2 seconds to remember I have a 5 year old sleeping in the next room. Well hells bells, I can't go anywhere, have no family to call, friends are all cozy and their kids are sleeping too. Neil has to go it alone, and that makes my heart ache. I have been having all kinds of feelings to date, I am scared, nervous, sad, angry, and lots of other feelings manifest on a daily basis it seems.The worst feeling is feeling helpless, I can't even imagine what he is feeling, not only emotionally, but physically. Did I mention, he is stubborn? It drives me nutters how stubborn he is, but now I am thinking this may not be a bad thing after all, I mean he is going to have to push himself more than ever over the next several months, and just when he can't anymore, I will be here to push him. Right now, we are getting into a stride that seems to need tweaking about every hour of the day and its so hard not to do every little thing for him or at least ask if I can help. Feeling helpless sucks, he is making this easy on me right now, it is early in the game though and I am prepared for him to depend on me, ready to not be so helpless I suppose.
Whilst blogging, that dear hubby of mine is texting to let me know how things are going at the hospital and of course telling me to get some rest...yeah right! I try to make myself feel better by reminding him to not let them dick him around, ask for a blanket if he gets cold, and wear his mask because of the germs there. My being selfish does come in handy sometimes, lol, he will get such a kick out of that statement!
I will update this blog with a comment later today, for now I will try to get some rest in hopes of not being a total terror the rest of the day!
Chemo is really starting to show it's ugly face around my house. Thursday Neil didn't keep his eyes open much all day, lots of sleeping and I suppose that is what he needs and it means the treatment is working from what I gather. Friday was a little better as far as getting to see him up and moving around. His eating and drinking habits are changing rapidly and I fear along with him that a feeding tube insertion is in our near future if he can't increase his calorie intake. Saturday, he wanted to go shopping with us and he did, just for a couple of hours, but hey that's something.
For today, I am up at 2a.m. in the morning blogging, so you know something is not right, because I love sleep and it takes alot to get me roused from the bed. Neil had a little dinner, but only an ensure drink and popsicles throughout the day and I am having to basically force water down his throat...man is he stubborn!
I appreciate everyone wanting to cook dinners for us and things of that nature, but Neil probably will not feel like eating and not able to eat regularly for quite a while. That just leaves Grace and I, and I think I will be able to manage for 2 and 3 on wknds when Brent(my son) visits. Now, that being said, I will take whatever someone finds in their heart to make and share with us, I just had a very nice friend/co-worker make some deliciouse pumpkin bread for our family and like I said it was delicious.
Today is not starting off well, like I said before it's 2a.m. on Sunday morning and I am wide awake! Neil has been having lots of "issues" with some not so fun to talk about chemo side effects. I think the hinges on the bathroom door are gonna have to be replaced soon,lol, gotta love potty humor. Anywho, Neil just drove himself to the hospital, something is just not right he says. I started to kick the covers off and mumbled half asleep, "ok, lets go", it took about 2 seconds to remember I have a 5 year old sleeping in the next room. Well hells bells, I can't go anywhere, have no family to call, friends are all cozy and their kids are sleeping too. Neil has to go it alone, and that makes my heart ache. I have been having all kinds of feelings to date, I am scared, nervous, sad, angry, and lots of other feelings manifest on a daily basis it seems.The worst feeling is feeling helpless, I can't even imagine what he is feeling, not only emotionally, but physically. Did I mention, he is stubborn? It drives me nutters how stubborn he is, but now I am thinking this may not be a bad thing after all, I mean he is going to have to push himself more than ever over the next several months, and just when he can't anymore, I will be here to push him. Right now, we are getting into a stride that seems to need tweaking about every hour of the day and its so hard not to do every little thing for him or at least ask if I can help. Feeling helpless sucks, he is making this easy on me right now, it is early in the game though and I am prepared for him to depend on me, ready to not be so helpless I suppose.
Whilst blogging, that dear hubby of mine is texting to let me know how things are going at the hospital and of course telling me to get some rest...yeah right! I try to make myself feel better by reminding him to not let them dick him around, ask for a blanket if he gets cold, and wear his mask because of the germs there. My being selfish does come in handy sometimes, lol, he will get such a kick out of that statement!
I will update this blog with a comment later today, for now I will try to get some rest in hopes of not being a total terror the rest of the day!
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