Ding!

It has been a great week so far!  Neil has been feeling really well this past week, working, playing with Grace, not going from the bed to the couch and back to the bed again.  Gracie is sucking it up to the max, all I hear is Daddy, Daddy, Daddy and I love it.  Oh, and food....it tastes good to him and so does water!  Yay!

 I knew this older gentleman years ago, and every single time you asked him how he was his response was always, "just shuffling right along" and I feel like that is what I am doing at this point.  I am finding that I am not constantly thinking about the "C".  My work really has alot to do with my therapy, I see kids doing really sweet, funny, and sometimes weird things on a daily basis, then I get to watch my staff's reactions and that is even better.  I am just gonna say it...I have 21 wonderful, caring, respectful young ladies and gentlman helping me through this by working as a team and making it so less stressful than it could be.  I am very proud of my staff, many thanks and remember if your leaning your cleaning! Ha!  Then there is Carrie, my boss lady, man she hates when I call her that,lol!  She is being what she always has been which is simply there for me, supporting me and cheering me on.

Change of subject...we fear Tony the tumor is gaining in size again, he was shrinking after the first treatment, now getting larger again.  We are just going to wait to see what the dr. says about that.  I have been reading up on this, it could be nothing, so why waste so much effort worrying.  We are enjoying this good week!  We had our first chat with the coping coach at the cancer center yesterday.  Like I told her, besides taking Grace to the doctor for strep throat, I was feeling kind of normal again.  I havn't been to a doctor's office since Neil's chemo.  Ding!  That is the sound of the elevator at the cacer center, and I hate it!  As soon as I heard that Ding! my heart sank and I just sighed.  I am positive people, no worries, but it's the little things like that Ding! that just aggravate me.  On a good note, we are coping well!  It is early into treatment, but we will take that, I mean the social worker told us so.  I found out that I treat Neil like a child when it comes to his nourishment or lack of it.  It's true I do, imagine that, I am a mother, a caregiver, and nurturer.  I will make mental notes to myself about not being his mother when he becomes dehydrated, right!

Second round of chemo coming up on Monday, I will update how we all are doing next week sometime.  Ding!

Getting a grip...

Hello all!  Why is Grace getting more sick now than she has all Winter long?  The last two times I wanted to take a day off, she has gotten sick the night before...no fair!  Wow, now let me step back and think about this.  Do you ever find yourself thinking you get aggravated over the most futile things, it really doesn't make sense when there are much bigger things in life to deal with.  I can tell you that since Neil's diagnosis I have shrugged my shoulders more times than I can count.  It's not a point of not caring about a certain thing or specific someone, its realizing I can say "oh well" and it really makes no difference. They say "don't sweat the small stuff", and its so true.  I hate to even sound so cliche, but really some of the aggravations that we allow ourselves to obsess over are senseless.  I really don't think its about being positive or negative, for me it comes down to knowing that things could always be worse.  Think about it, I got aggravated because Grace had a virus and screwed up my day off.  How many of us know a mom that has a child battling a disease or a mom that has a handicapped child?  I am getting a grip and realizing my life is better, better than alot of others and even those people think they have it good compared to some other people.  End rant...

Now lets get down to the good stuff.  Neil sleeps alot, eats very little, drinks very little, and his activitiy level is limited, but he is doing WELL.  I am so proud of him for remaining strong willed and stubborn, he is gonna fight this thing and drive me crazy in the process, but guess what, things could be worse!  He thinks he is so sneaky, he waits till I leave for work and kicks into overdrive cleaning the house and running errands.  I called the other day from work telling him I was thinking about staying and he told me "well your just gonna get mad at me if you come home", he was correct. I can tell he cleans the house, I know he scooped the litter cause I am pretty sure that 3 cats poop more than once in 3 days, ha!  I will tell you that I know when he has done more than he probably should have when he falls asleep and does not wake up at my slightest movement.  He told me today that he has worked for over 20 years non-stop with very few vacations(man do I know this) and he is bored outta his mind.  I don't mind his ocd right now, everywhere I look things are getting organized, its nice! 

I want to apologize to a few people that are offering us so much at this time...
Mr. Jason M., you are a wonderful ,generous person and I will call you in the middle of the night next time Neil needs to go to the hospital even if he wants to drive himself!
Mrs. Susan and Mrs. Vicki, I apologize for not calling you ladies to come and watch Grace in the middle of the night when Neil needed to go to the hospital, please know that we know how sincere your words are and that they come from your hearts.  I will not ever worry about being bothersome during this ordeal again.

Final Note

Thank you cancer for opening up our eyes, minds, spirits, and our hearts in ways that we never knew and some that we may have just forgotten.

feeling helpless sucks...

Its been about 4 days since my last entry, I will try to keep up with this blog the best I can.  If any of you are wondering about Neil's blog, he just hasn't felt up to it.  He will continue when he gets a little stronger. 

Chemo is really starting to show it's ugly face around my house.  Thursday Neil didn't keep his eyes open much all day, lots of sleeping and I suppose that is what he needs and it means the treatment is working from what I gather.  Friday was a little better as far as getting to see him up and moving around.  His eating and drinking habits are changing rapidly and I fear along with him that a feeding tube insertion is in our near future if he can't increase his calorie intake.  Saturday, he wanted to go shopping with us and he did, just for a couple of hours, but hey that's something.

For today, I am up at 2a.m. in the morning blogging, so you know something is not right, because I love sleep and it takes alot to get me roused from the bed.  Neil had a little dinner, but only an ensure drink and popsicles throughout the day and I am having to basically force water down his throat...man is he stubborn!
I appreciate everyone wanting to cook dinners for us and things of that nature, but Neil probably will not feel like eating and not able to eat regularly for quite a while.  That just leaves Grace and I, and I think I will be able to manage for 2 and 3 on wknds when Brent(my son) visits.  Now, that being said, I will take whatever someone finds in their heart to make and  share with us, I just had a very nice friend/co-worker make some deliciouse pumpkin bread for our family and like I said it was delicious. 

Today is not starting off well, like I said before it's 2a.m. on Sunday morning and I am wide awake!  Neil has been having lots of "issues" with some not so fun to talk about chemo side effects.  I think the hinges on the bathroom door are gonna have to be replaced soon,lol, gotta love potty humor.  Anywho, Neil just drove himself to the hospital, something is just not right he says.  I started to kick the covers off and mumbled half asleep, "ok, lets go", it took about 2 seconds to remember I have a 5 year old sleeping in the next room.  Well hells bells, I can't go anywhere, have no family to call, friends are all cozy and their kids are sleeping too.  Neil has to go it alone, and that makes my heart ache.  I have been having all kinds of feelings to date, I am scared, nervous, sad, angry, and lots of other feelings manifest on a daily basis it seems.The worst feeling is feeling helpless, I can't even imagine what he is feeling, not only emotionally, but physically.  Did I mention, he is stubborn?  It drives me nutters how stubborn he is, but now I am thinking this may not be a bad thing after all, I mean he is going to have to push himself more than ever over the next several months, and just when he can't anymore, I will be here to push him.  Right now, we are getting into a stride that seems to need tweaking about every hour of the day and its so hard not to do every little thing for him or at least ask if I can help.  Feeling helpless sucks, he is making this easy on me right now, it is early in the game though and I am prepared for him to depend on me, ready to not be so helpless I suppose.


Whilst blogging, that dear hubby of mine is texting to let me know how things are going at the  hospital and of course telling me to get some rest...yeah right!  I try to make myself feel better by reminding him to not let them dick him around, ask for a blanket if he gets cold, and wear his mask because of the germs there.  My being selfish does come in handy sometimes, lol, he will get such a kick out of that statement!

I will update this blog with a comment later today, for now I will try to get some rest in hopes of not being a total terror the rest of the day!

He has dibs...

So here we are, 3 days after chemotherapy.  It is true that you naturally think about the worst symptoms when you here "chemo", nearly impossible to not go there.  Neil gets a little weaker and little more sickly every day.  The oncologist did tell us before treatment that we would see the tumor shrink pretty quickly, and to our amazement "Tony" has already began to shrink and it is very noticeable.  We are trying to stay grounded, we know even with this shrinkage happening we still have to fullfill the treatment regimen.  Neil felt well enough to go to work yesterday and I know how much he likes to work and how good it made him feel to go in for a bit.  You will notice that I say "we" alot when it comes to the cancer, but I have learned it is not only Neil's disease, it involves our whole family and so it has became "our" cancer.

Neil got his injection yesterday that helps keep his white blood cell count up during chemo.  He had a rough night, but that man of mine refuses to make me feel any kind of burden at all right now.  He could have probably used the whole bed to try and rest, but did not wake me up one time and he was very sick.  I love my sleep that is for sure, but I would sleep on the floor of course if it made him more comfortable right now.  I know his strength is great and he will stay strong for the duration of his treatment.

Gracie woke up with terrible belly cramps and the other bad stuff that accompanies them.  I just have to give my head and shake and keep going.  I told her she could not snuggle up with Daddy since she obviously has some kind of virus.  I do wish that when I get a stomach virus that I would have the gumption to try and jump rope at 8:30 in the morning, really you have to love children and their appetite for action.

 Naturally Neil gave me my belly laugh this morning when he said to Grace "there is only one person allowed to be sick in this house and I have dibs"!  Humor does a body good.

Notice of Eviction...

I knew today was not going to be normal by no means, it was Neil's first day of chemo and naturally it is Gracie's first day of Spring break.  Luckily my boss was more than happy to watch Gracie today during Neil's treatment, no way was I gonna miss it.  Grace and I arrived at the Y(one of her favorite places in the world) so Carrie or "boss lady" as I like to call her because she dislikes it could keep Grace for us.  On the way back home to pick up Neil I felt scared, nervous, sad....I could just check D for all of the above I suppose, but I had no idea how he was feeling.  I arrived home to find it spotless because someone had the same nervous energy I was having and he was ready for a fight.  Although Neil was clean shavin and looking pretty darn good I must say, I did notice something a little different about him, or better yet, on him.  My dear, funny hubby had placed a bandaid upon "Tony", his affectionately named tumor that read "Notice of Eviction".  It was like he had just taken all the bad feelings I had been having all morning and tossed them out the window for me, I was laughing while getting ready to drive him to chemo treatment and again I realize just how much I adore him.

The office is packed as usual and of course we are the youngest people here besides staff, you notice these things trust me.  I am truly trying to be happy, upbeat, and calm, but one lady just has to spew nothing but negativity and sadness.  I realize she has no idea she is doing this and I am just hoping like crazy she does not try to bait Neil nor myself  in.  Reality is, these people probably have seen each other either on Mondays or Fridays (when treatments are given) for who knows how long, so I kick back and hit the apps. 
Neil gets weighed in and the nurse just laughs and looks at Neil, she noticed the bandaid!  She thought it was cute too.  The doctor comes in and does his thing, asking if we have any questions and its off to the treatment room.  I would say there are about 10 chairs (all full) and he has to wait his turn.  Realizing this was going to take much longer than the scheduled 4 hours I call in another favor from another great friend.  Yolie is also more than happy to help out and watch Grace for us, good thing too or I may have to squash her like little bug...that's an inside joke peeps!

Neil is not the only first timer there today, another lady is very upset and is crying as the medication starts dripping.  I get the lump in my throat, man if I cry I will probably get the whole room doing it too.  I have to be strong!  I have to watch poison drip into the love of my lifes body to fight a disease that could possibly consume it.  My throat was tight and the nurse kept looking at me waiting for me to possibly break down from what I gathered, but nope, not now, no way.....I am strong! 

I know you are proud of me Neil, I love you more every day.
We made it through together and he is doing well besides a little fatigue and being hungry which is a good thing.

Shout outs must be given....Carrie, like I say, thanks for being you...Yolie, I love your crazy cuban azz...
Tammy, another rock in my life... Tricia, my friend you are so easy to talk to and always listen to my crazy rants...  Shanna,my only sister, I love you, miss you and wish I could give you a real hug...The rest of my Canadian family, we feel your warm thoughts and good wishes for our family...
I am absolutley positive I am missing some very wonderful people that are helping us through this fight right now, but please know your actions and words do not go un-noticed and we appreciatate each and everyone of you.

hard reading...

I love to read anything from the great classics to modern "vampire" fiction, lol,  but my reading as of lately has become very heavy.  Neil and I are both consumed with trying to pour as much information about SCC(sqaumous cell carcinoma) into our brains as we possibly can.  It's only been 6 weeks and you could ask us any question about it and get a pretty good educated answer or guess. 

Neil and I met over the internet, geesh, like 12 years ago!  I can tell you that I have never wanted another human being around me as much as I have wanted him.  All of our family and friends know that we had a tough road as a couple, I lived in Tennessee and he lived in Canada...not the best geographical way to have a relationship, BUT....WE MADE IT!  We got married, did the immigration thing, and here we are living in Georgia, yes the U.S. much to his dismay.  He misses his Canada, but more than that he misses his family.
No doubt how much he truly loves me and our children.

It is so ironic that the whole month we spent learning of Neil's SCC, Gracies school was taking up money for her school's Relay for Life event.  She came running to us the other morning saying, "I need cancer money for school", me and Neil just kind of chuckled about it he went straight to the change box.  We have been telling Grace little tid bits here and there about what is going on with Daddy and what she may see in the coming months, it's very hard for her to comprehend.  I have never just came out and told her that Daddy has cancer, I just didn't think she would be able to wrap her 5yr old lil mind around it, I mean lets be  honest, it's been hard for me!  Thursday morning she took me by surprise while she was getting dressed for school, out of the blue she gave Neil a big hug and said "I am sorry you have cancer".  Naturally I was surprised by this, but Neil informed me that he and Grace had a very good discussion on the subject.  My eyes still tear up when I think about it, but you know what, I am so proud of them both and the fact that he had his own private conversation with Grace is just another reason why I love him so much. 

This our last weekend before treatment and it is going to be emotional for me, yes, I am a huge cry baby!  I keep my crying times private to the household.  A friend from work told me to pick a place and make that my spot, my spot to let it all out and cry, scream, cuss, do whatever makes me feel better and that is what I have done!  Awwww, just listen to me, don't get me wrong, all of us here love to laugh, so I can guarantee way more laughter than tears over the coming months.