He has dibs...

So here we are, 3 days after chemotherapy.  It is true that you naturally think about the worst symptoms when you here "chemo", nearly impossible to not go there.  Neil gets a little weaker and little more sickly every day.  The oncologist did tell us before treatment that we would see the tumor shrink pretty quickly, and to our amazement "Tony" has already began to shrink and it is very noticeable.  We are trying to stay grounded, we know even with this shrinkage happening we still have to fullfill the treatment regimen.  Neil felt well enough to go to work yesterday and I know how much he likes to work and how good it made him feel to go in for a bit.  You will notice that I say "we" alot when it comes to the cancer, but I have learned it is not only Neil's disease, it involves our whole family and so it has became "our" cancer.

Neil got his injection yesterday that helps keep his white blood cell count up during chemo.  He had a rough night, but that man of mine refuses to make me feel any kind of burden at all right now.  He could have probably used the whole bed to try and rest, but did not wake me up one time and he was very sick.  I love my sleep that is for sure, but I would sleep on the floor of course if it made him more comfortable right now.  I know his strength is great and he will stay strong for the duration of his treatment.

Gracie woke up with terrible belly cramps and the other bad stuff that accompanies them.  I just have to give my head and shake and keep going.  I told her she could not snuggle up with Daddy since she obviously has some kind of virus.  I do wish that when I get a stomach virus that I would have the gumption to try and jump rope at 8:30 in the morning, really you have to love children and their appetite for action.

 Naturally Neil gave me my belly laugh this morning when he said to Grace "there is only one person allowed to be sick in this house and I have dibs"!  Humor does a body good.

Notice of Eviction...

I knew today was not going to be normal by no means, it was Neil's first day of chemo and naturally it is Gracie's first day of Spring break.  Luckily my boss was more than happy to watch Gracie today during Neil's treatment, no way was I gonna miss it.  Grace and I arrived at the Y(one of her favorite places in the world) so Carrie or "boss lady" as I like to call her because she dislikes it could keep Grace for us.  On the way back home to pick up Neil I felt scared, nervous, sad....I could just check D for all of the above I suppose, but I had no idea how he was feeling.  I arrived home to find it spotless because someone had the same nervous energy I was having and he was ready for a fight.  Although Neil was clean shavin and looking pretty darn good I must say, I did notice something a little different about him, or better yet, on him.  My dear, funny hubby had placed a bandaid upon "Tony", his affectionately named tumor that read "Notice of Eviction".  It was like he had just taken all the bad feelings I had been having all morning and tossed them out the window for me, I was laughing while getting ready to drive him to chemo treatment and again I realize just how much I adore him.

The office is packed as usual and of course we are the youngest people here besides staff, you notice these things trust me.  I am truly trying to be happy, upbeat, and calm, but one lady just has to spew nothing but negativity and sadness.  I realize she has no idea she is doing this and I am just hoping like crazy she does not try to bait Neil nor myself  in.  Reality is, these people probably have seen each other either on Mondays or Fridays (when treatments are given) for who knows how long, so I kick back and hit the apps. 
Neil gets weighed in and the nurse just laughs and looks at Neil, she noticed the bandaid!  She thought it was cute too.  The doctor comes in and does his thing, asking if we have any questions and its off to the treatment room.  I would say there are about 10 chairs (all full) and he has to wait his turn.  Realizing this was going to take much longer than the scheduled 4 hours I call in another favor from another great friend.  Yolie is also more than happy to help out and watch Grace for us, good thing too or I may have to squash her like little bug...that's an inside joke peeps!

Neil is not the only first timer there today, another lady is very upset and is crying as the medication starts dripping.  I get the lump in my throat, man if I cry I will probably get the whole room doing it too.  I have to be strong!  I have to watch poison drip into the love of my lifes body to fight a disease that could possibly consume it.  My throat was tight and the nurse kept looking at me waiting for me to possibly break down from what I gathered, but nope, not now, no way.....I am strong! 

I know you are proud of me Neil, I love you more every day.
We made it through together and he is doing well besides a little fatigue and being hungry which is a good thing.

Shout outs must be given....Carrie, like I say, thanks for being you...Yolie, I love your crazy cuban azz...
Tammy, another rock in my life... Tricia, my friend you are so easy to talk to and always listen to my crazy rants...  Shanna,my only sister, I love you, miss you and wish I could give you a real hug...The rest of my Canadian family, we feel your warm thoughts and good wishes for our family...
I am absolutley positive I am missing some very wonderful people that are helping us through this fight right now, but please know your actions and words do not go un-noticed and we appreciatate each and everyone of you.

hard reading...

I love to read anything from the great classics to modern "vampire" fiction, lol,  but my reading as of lately has become very heavy.  Neil and I are both consumed with trying to pour as much information about SCC(sqaumous cell carcinoma) into our brains as we possibly can.  It's only been 6 weeks and you could ask us any question about it and get a pretty good educated answer or guess. 

Neil and I met over the internet, geesh, like 12 years ago!  I can tell you that I have never wanted another human being around me as much as I have wanted him.  All of our family and friends know that we had a tough road as a couple, I lived in Tennessee and he lived in Canada...not the best geographical way to have a relationship, BUT....WE MADE IT!  We got married, did the immigration thing, and here we are living in Georgia, yes the U.S. much to his dismay.  He misses his Canada, but more than that he misses his family.
No doubt how much he truly loves me and our children.

It is so ironic that the whole month we spent learning of Neil's SCC, Gracies school was taking up money for her school's Relay for Life event.  She came running to us the other morning saying, "I need cancer money for school", me and Neil just kind of chuckled about it he went straight to the change box.  We have been telling Grace little tid bits here and there about what is going on with Daddy and what she may see in the coming months, it's very hard for her to comprehend.  I have never just came out and told her that Daddy has cancer, I just didn't think she would be able to wrap her 5yr old lil mind around it, I mean lets be  honest, it's been hard for me!  Thursday morning she took me by surprise while she was getting dressed for school, out of the blue she gave Neil a big hug and said "I am sorry you have cancer".  Naturally I was surprised by this, but Neil informed me that he and Grace had a very good discussion on the subject.  My eyes still tear up when I think about it, but you know what, I am so proud of them both and the fact that he had his own private conversation with Grace is just another reason why I love him so much. 

This our last weekend before treatment and it is going to be emotional for me, yes, I am a huge cry baby!  I keep my crying times private to the household.  A friend from work told me to pick a place and make that my spot, my spot to let it all out and cry, scream, cuss, do whatever makes me feel better and that is what I have done!  Awwww, just listen to me, don't get me wrong, all of us here love to laugh, so I can guarantee way more laughter than tears over the coming months.

no sushi, rare beef or runny eggs...

My brain! Where's my brain?!  I find myself having arrived at work, but cannot recall the drive at all, that is actually kind of scary.  I walk out to the laundry room without first getting the clothes to put in the washer.  I noticed Neil had parked differently in the drive way yesterday, but failed to notice the new basketball goal he put up(I had requested a new one, there is something about Spring that makes me wanna play).  I trust my brain will return to me shortly, for now it's just in hiding. 


We had an appointment with the dietition today, no sushi, rare beef or runny eggs for Neil!  He told the lady that was worse than hearing he would have to undergo chemo, with a chuckle of course.  The tonsilectomy put a halt to eating for him, I think we bought every can of mushroom soup that Wal-Mart had!  Between that and now having to have teeth pulled before chemo he is well on his way to losing that 15 pounds he wanted off.  Neil and I have decided to keep our wicked sense of humour about us throughout this fight.


I am just amazed by the people that we surround ourselves with on a daily basis.  Our friends and family are really rallying behind us right now and I know they will be there giving my family the push it needs to carry through this.  Let me just say this, if you ever have the opportunity to become involved with a YMCA, do it!  Do it for yourself and do it for others.  My Y is part of my family and we all benefit from it each day.  I cannot even describe how incredible Neil's work family is, but I will say this....thank you with my deepest sincerity for everything that you have done and are doing for our family.


Neil told me the other day that he is looking at this as a gift and this is going to bring about needed changes in him.  I have been thinking about this and he is right(naturally...lol), in alot of ways this is a second chance, to one up ourselves in daily life.  We are going to hang out with cancer survivors on Sunday at a Relay for Life event and this is just the beginning!

7 days...

I am pretty sure if I wanted to I could get into the Guiness Book of Records for longest time crying.  I am also pretty sure that is the way alot of people feel when a diagnosis like this comes.  I am actually doing really well, don't get me wrong, it doesn't take much to get me goin.  I find myself thinking about little things I am thankful for everyday, this I feel is good.  "I am gonna miss you", that is what I said to Neil earlier today while we were grocery shopping, he asked "why".  In 7 days Neil starts 9 weeks of chemo, followed by 7 weeks of chemo/radiation combo, he is not going to be my husband during this time.  I will be Mommy and Daddy while he helps his body help the drugs that are going to get rid of this disease.  Friends say it affects everyone differently, but instead of being my optimistic self, I will be what Neil calls "realistic".  I am scared, this is going to be the most difficult thing I have ever been through all while being a strong wife and mother per Neil's request.  I am gonna miss him being him, it's that simple.  We are spending these 7 days prepping ourselves, the kids, the house, and anything and anyone else that may be affected.  Gracie understands as much as a 5 year old can.  Brent being 14 is a little bit more tricky, it's hard to guage true feelings with his age, he seems upset, but not willing to go in depth and I will not push it.   Tomorrow is picture day for Grace, she already has her outfit picked out, and I am betting she will want Daddy to fix her hair....thats right....she is such a Daddy's girl!

and so it begins...

When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer you are devastated, and somewhat confused.  One morning just like any other, we woke up, had coffee, got the little one up for school and started to get ready for our day.  Turns out this was not like any other morning, this was the morning that Neil felt the tumor on his neck for the first time.  He had not been feeling well anyways, so upon feeling this mass on his neck he decided it was time to go to the doctor.  The doctor gave him some medicine for upset stomach and some antibiotics to see if the mass would go down.  We will fast forward to now, Neil has squamous cell  carcinoma of the head and neck with an unknown primary source.  This diagnosis was reached by many different doctors, tests, and even a tonsilectomy.  In only 5 weeks, my world(well this is my blog right?!) has been turned on it's head.  It is a numb feeling, and honestly I just want someone to shake me, wake me, and tell me I have been having a nightmare.   This blog is coming on this journey with me, I will put my feelings here and let everyone know what it's like on "The Wifes Side".